Just for Sport

So I watched the Cowboys game last night. A few of us had a good time poking fun at the second-rate announcing team, etc. The best moment, though, had to be when the Idiot Kicker got up to win the game in overtime. I, being a bandwagon Colts fan, made a few disparaging comments about the last time ol’ Vandy was on the field (last year’s playoffs). I jokingly said, “I’m going to start calling him, ‘Wide Right.’” At that very instant, he pushed it right. We went crazy. He would go on to repeat the feat later on, and the Cowboys ended up tying. Sure, it was the preseason, but my Cowboy crazy friends were upset. The Idiot Kicker had stricken again.

Fast forward to this morning. I’m on espn.com watching the tiny little video they have in the corner, (I have no cable or anything right this second) and somebody’s interviewing Liquorface. The following exchange occurred:

Reporter: How long are you going to stew about these missed field goals?

(I’m secretly hoping that he breaks into tears, just like last year.)

Wide Right: I’m not going to stew about it; I’m just going to go out and kick a hundred field goals a day until I figure out what went wrong.

Whoa! You mean to tell me that professional kickers - people that kick a ball for hundreds of thousands or even millions of dollars a year - only kick 100 field goals a day?!? And that’s when he’s having problems and trying to fix them!

Football fans get so upset with kickers sometimes. Seriously, when it’s your only job, you should do it well blablabla…how many times has that been said on Sunday afternoon? I think these guys are taking advantage of everybody. Let’s see…got a big game this weekend. It’s possible that my teammates will sacrifice their bodies, beat each other up for 59 minutes, and then the whole thing will come down to my ability to kick a ball. I think I’ll kick about 50 times or so and call it a day. Gotta be home when the exterminator comes over, and there’s some cleaning to do…

Obviously, that’s an exaggeration. However, I think it points to something that a lot of football fans actually believe, but won’t admit because they’re afraid of change. The kicking game (at least the field goal part) has got to go. This is the one point I agree with Skip Bayless on. I understand why the kicking game is the way it is. If you can’t get into the end zone, at least you get rewarded with three points (assuming your kicker doesn’t boot the ball into Ohio. No, I’m not going to leave it alone.). But why are we so intent on rewarding mediocrity? Shouldn’t a defense that makes a stand in the red zone get more than, “Well, we limited them to three points.” This argument doesn’t hold just a ton of water, but there’s still an element of truth to it. If there was no “celebration of mediocrity,” as I like to call it, there just wouldn’t be enough variation in the point system. If a team wins solely on the number of touchdowns they score, why not value them at one point each?

Instead, I would like to propose an alternative that still rewards a team for marching down the field, but doesn’t rely on one man’s ability to kick a ball far and straight. The first step is to identify a threshold, such as the opposing team’s 35 yardline. If the team on offense passes this threshold, they have a choice to make on fourth down. In the past, the choice would be to go for the first down or kick a field goal. Under the new system, a team could choose to attempt the “four-point conversion,” where the ball is placed on the 5 yardline and the offense has one opportunity to get the ball into the endzone. The try would be worth four points because (1) it would be successful less often, and (2) because teams would be forced to try a two-point conversion after touchdowns, making scores in multiples of seven virtually obsolete.

I understand that this would drastically change the game and its strategy. The team’s punter is probably going to be the kickoff starter, making kickoffs more interesting. As said before, two-point conversions would be mandatory. I believe that it makes the two-minute drill much more interesting. Defenses will have to decide how to guard the 35-yard threshold. Do you load up the line when a team gets close to defend against the four-point possibility, leaving you vulnerable to the more valuable touchdown? Entire new formations would be developed on both sides of the ball to try to adapt to these new, packed with pressure situations. Best of all, a game will never be decided by an Idiot Kicker who got liquored up and forgot where the goalpost was.

There are probably problems with my system. For instance, a 25 yard field goal is easier than a 50 yard field goal, so maybe the ball should be placed in different places close to the goal line based on where the offense stalled on the drive. Maybe my point system is a little simplistic and idealistic. Maybe I’m bitter because of last year’s playoffs. Maybe football fans like having a scapegoat such as the Idiot Kicker when they know their team never should have been in a situation to send the game into overtime (There’s another rule in professional football that has to be changed. Ugh. Take a cue from the college game). Maybe you’re too opposed to change. It’s not a perfect system, but it’s better than the one we’ve got now. You might not agree with me yet, but I think you will in Week 15 when your team’s playoff chances are doused by its own Idiot Kicker, who decided that 100 field goals a day was just too much for him.