Just for Sport

Note: This post originally appeared on September 13, 2005.

If you know me, you know that I love ESPN. However, Jeremiah and I made the mistake of watching poker during lunch today, and I realized that there are several things about the greatest cable channel of all that could still be fixed. If you haven’t figured it out, I like lists, so of course today’s topic involves one. Because I am often a negative person, you will find that several of these items contain a hint of negativity (get rid of this specific person, etc.). Nevertheless, it’s my list and not yours, so I’ll do what I want. Here it is:

10. Get rid of Norm Chad. Why is it necessary to have a “color commentary” for poker? He’s not funny, and he always pretends to know something he doesn’t. Plus, he’s ugly. Says my friend Jeremiah, “I want to kick Norm Chad in the junk.” I probably wouldn’t pass up the opportunity either.
9. Make fantasy football on espn.com work! Half of the time it doesn’t. Anybody else see a problem?
8. No more dabbling with reality TV. I’d Do Anything is just dumb. Any other attempt they’ve made to appeal to this audience just hasn’t worked.
7. Bring back Playmakers! So what if it was controversial? It’s up to the NFL to maintain its image, not ESPN.
6. ESPN Hollywood. Are you serious? This is worse than the TV Guide Channel, which as a pretty serious allegation.
5. Lose Skip Bayless. He does not know what he’s talking about. If I had a quarter for every time he said something stupid on national television, I’d be able to buy a yacht. A big one.
4. Consolidate with Fox Sports Network. Sure, this would basically create a monopoly in the television sports industry, but when it’s free, who does it hurt? Think about it: the superior television station carries all regional sports too. Yes!
3. Bring Cheap Seats over to regular ESPN, rather than ESPN Classic. They could show reruns during the day, in lieu of NFL Films or reruns of Billiards.
2. Bring Craig Kilborn back! He’s jobless, right? Sportscenter hasn’t been the same since he and that one fat guy left.
1. Chris Berman has got to go. One website lists the following things that are wrong with him:
Inventor of stupid nicknames that amuse you if you are ten, or stoned.
Has been on ESPN since the dawn of time.
Suffers from premature senility, routinely forgetting where players play and what their names are.
Apparently gets his sportsjackets by beating up hobos.
ABC made him wear a toupee when doing MNF halftimes, but didn’t make him wear a mask.
Occasionally broadcasts baseball even though he hasn’t paid attention to the sport since 1985.
Anchors ESPN’s interminable and constantly repeated Home Run Derby coverage.
Inventor of ESPN anchor self-promotion.
I would be the first to say that this is not an exhaustive list, but it gets the point. If ESPN were to fire Berman, I would forgive it of everything else I have listed here.